Where Did SHE Go?
Like a rubber band pulled too tightly, I could feel the snap happen before it manifested with my standing up and walking out of the girl friend’s dinner party. Reaching the little black thing, I dropped inside as the hot tears spilled down my cheeks. I was not one of them, no matter how hard I tried, I was not. I was supposed to be a leader, but I was not! Now, I had just made a final move to remove myself from this group. I hadn’t planned for it to be dramatic like this, but my insides were combusting and I just couldn’t do it one moment longer. It wasn’t any of them individually, it was just collectively something happened when we were all together. Maybe it was when one of them said, “We already know your trauma and story. Let’s move on!” Maybe it was all the small talk about things I just didn’t care about or want to participate in. Maybe it was because I was a high functioning autistic person? Who knows? What I do know was that everything changed in that moment.
If you would’ve asked me in that moment if this was the right way to exit, I would’ve said no. In fact, I couldn’t even put my finger on why I knew I didn’t belong, but I just knew. I had thought I would figure it out so I could exit “the right way,” politely and with no hard feelings. Weren’t these my friends? Weren’t many of them on the leadership team with me? I had even tried discussing my impending exit with one of them, but I was told that my reason for feeling like I didn’t fit with them was spiritual and I needed to confess my pride. Sweet Jesus, if this person only knew how many hours I had been in His presence asking for direction and understanding, but she didn’t and she believed she was right. I didn’t have the bandwidth to wrestle with her, so I just let her think she was correct and walked away.
That night, I drove away. The next day, I resigned from all women’s ministry activities and walked out the door. I didn’t know what was ahead, but I did know that I just couldn’t do “THAT” anymore. I also realized that almost all my friends were women related to ministry somehow. When had this become my reality? Jesus didn’t only spend time with those in the “church”. He was “with” people. He was “for” people. He “loved” people. He was “in” the community.
Cold Water Dipping in Hood Canal
I spent the next two years not attending church anywhere (Yes, conveniently COVID allowed for this without much questioning from others.) I felt like I could truly inhale for the first time in my adult life. Right or wrong, my lungs expanded and I could feel a shiver of electricity run through me. Little did I know that THIS was in no way a mistake. Stupidly, I thought I was making this decision, but now in hindsight, I can see His hands crafting each moment of this journey. For the first time ever, I started paying attention to not just my “gifting” but who He intricately crafted me into being; what brought me alive; what made my whole body come alive. I discovered so many new things to enjoy and I had time to do them. I discovered an absurdly fun creative community where I was welcomed. I stumbled upon learning to play in so many different ways (hiking; bicycling; cold water dipping; floating; women’s naked spa; writing books; developing a play website; cooking; etc.) with so many fun people. I’ve become friends with believers (all brands and flavors), Atheists, Muslims, Jewish, Mormons, Hindi’s, and Agnostics). I’ve learned so much and expanded my world. I’ve had some of the most sacred, life-giving moments in unusual places outside of the church building with people who may not know His name or call Him by the same name that I do, but love Him passionately. I’ve also got to walk with others who do not yet know Him and demonstrate His overwhelming love to them. I don’t ever want to go back to how things were and I’m pretty sure God is okay with that. He delights in His creation and is incredibly fond of all of us! THIS is where I have been.
Until We Chat Again,
Crystal
