STAND, just STAND! - Ephesians 6:11
Finding itself loosed from the long imprisoned cage deep inside of my being, raw fear made its way slowing up to my heart. It perched like a gargoyle above a city taunting me to look at it. I knew just one glance would give it permission to enter and destroy the peace that reigned in my heart and mind.
Caught in an emotional hurricane, I could feel the intensity of this battle increasing by each text message that arrived. Here are a few of them, “You should’ve never created me.” Seconds later, “I want to die.” Moments after that, “I’ll be dead before the day is over anyways.”
No Casket. No Funeral. No Body.
“There wasn’t a casket. There wasn’t a funeral. There wasn’t even a body. No obituary was ever penned. No one sent sympathy cards. No one stopped by to check in. No one brought food by my home. In fact, it felt like no one even noticed that she had died, except me. I don’t have an exact date, but I do know that she is gone and in her place is someone that I don’t know….
Relationship Chaos - Romans 12:18
With halting steps, I made my way toward her and another friend. Reaching deep inside, I smiled; made eye contact; and listened as my voice greeted them. I had tried everything to resolve the conflict that had been present for over a year with her, but nothing had been satisfactory. Both of them stood with their eyes locked on me. It seemed like time was frozen for a few brief super awkward moments. None of us breathed. Each one choosing their response.
Just Do It - James 1:22
Confusion swirled around my head, like a bee trying to find the entrance to a hive. The last seven days had altered something deep inside the core of my being. Like a butterfly emerging from its chrysalis, I had been changed and now I see things so differently. We are literally God’s extremities here on this planet. We are called to love without agenda both our neighbors and God. How deeply we have been loved while in India.
Dropping into my seat, and noticing we are the only white people on the flight, I slowly exhale allowing all the thoughts, realities, and changes to wash over me. My heart has been stolen by India and I’m sure I will be returning. We have almost seven hours until we arrive in Icheon, South Korea with an overnight layover and then around eight more hours to the sweet shores of Honolulu, Hawaii for a few days of debriefing (Starbucks ice tea and razors) and reaccumulating.
Allowing my eyes to shut, I drift into a light sleep. Feeling someone “snuggling” their head into my neck, I am instantly annoyed.
Copy of No Exemption - Psalms 46:1
My hands were shaking like tremors in an L.A. aftershock and my breathing seemed to be limited to small gulps of air as I sat on the medical exam table listening to the doctor. I was here for a regular exam, but also to ask for a written letter of exemption that would excuse me from the active shooter drill. Everything inside of me wished I was not making this request, but my heart knew it was the only viable option considering what I had survived. PTSD was not something I thought I would ever have to deal with, but here I sat about to make this request.
Copy of Knees to the Earth; Hands to the Sky - Psalms 65:4
Stepping onto this stunning street with my “Camera Buddy” a sense of awe overtook me. My heart was soooo grateful that God, in His infinite wisdom thought up trees, leaves, seasons, and colors. I just couldn’t help myself. I needed to feel the crispy leaves; smell the scent of them; and experience them dancing around me on the wind that was swirling. I wanted to thank Him for making this street and the beauty that I was taking in. Finding myself on my knee
Do this Third
See this lady? (The one on the right.) She has called out things in my life that are both gifts and things that needed to change. She has spoke life into me. She has allowed me to interrupt her life with my struggles. She has taught me to pray and believe. She has walked me into the inner sanctuary of His presence and stood nearby as He healed my heart. She wakes up and often prays for me, before I have the courage to ask for prayer. She has been a gift and blessing to me! She has also spoken to my pride issues. She is a warrior disguised as an everyday woman. I pray you have one of these kind of warriors in your life. She has taught me that this third piece is vital to not just “surviving” but being able to walk through pain, suffering, and disappointment.
Do This Second! - Zephaniah 3:17
We are in this mini series called, “No Exemptions”. If you missed the first and second post, jump on back and give it a quick read. Today, I want to share what I do second. To set the stage, here is an excerpt from my journal in October (Can I warn you, It’s not pretty): Sunday, October 28, 2018 6:33 pm
I should not put these thoughts to words. I should not put these words on my iPad. BUT, I have no more space to stuff them and them are spilling out.
I can’t breathe. No, really….I am suffocating. It’s been slowly coming this Fall, but today something snapped. I don’t really know what the last straw was. Maybe it was coming around the corner at Costco and seeing the Precious’ One’s first husband lovingly helping his son? Or, maybe it was the volatile poisonous verbal barrage I endured from a mentally ill loved one? It doesn’t matter, the pieces of tape that were so carefully holding all the pieces of my reality together, dissolved.
Do this First! - Psalms 63:7
It truly doesn’t matter what your voice sounds like! This is the truth - your song to Him will change the atmosphere! Think about the story of Paul and Silas. They sang while imprisoned. It certainly had an impact. (You can read about it in Acts 16:25-34.) I wish I could hear them.
No Exemption - Psalms 46:1
My hands were shaking like tremors in an L.A. aftershock and my breathing seemed to be limited to small gulps of air as I sat on the medical exam table listening to the doctor. I was here for a regular exam, but also to ask for a written letter of exemption that would excuse me from the active shooter drill. Everything inside of me wished I was not making this request, but my heart knew it was the only viable option considering what I had survived. PTSD was not something I thought I would ever have to deal with, but here I sat about to make this request.
Chains - Philemon 1:4
I have a confession. When I see cool things in the world, my mind does this funny thing. It starts playing with it to see how we might be over to pull it over and use it for Jesus. Awhile ago a friend of mine was explaining "Prayer Beads” and how they help her remember to pray certain prayers. If you have been in the Catholic church, this should sound familiar. As I was listening, I had a lightning bolt moment.
Knees to the Earth; Hands to the Sky - Psalms 65:4
Stepping onto this stunning street with my “Camera Buddy” a sense of awe overtook me. My heart was soooo grateful that God, in His infinite wisdom thought up trees, leaves, seasons, and colors. I just couldn’t help myself. I needed to feel the crispy leaves; smell the scent of them; and experience them dancing around me on the wind that was swirling. I wanted to thank Him for making this street and the beauty that I was taking in. Finding myself on my knee
Use Your Voice! - Psalm 5:3
Warm sun streaked through the window, like a long-awaited embrace by a friend, it wrapped itself around my jet-lagged body, and wouldn’t let go. That is when I hear it. Her soft, sweet two-year-old voice drifted into my ears. She was making her request known to her Daddy.
Tongue Action - James 3:3-5
Staring at my phone, I read and reread the words, again and again. They were twisted. They were convoluted. They were taken out of context. It would take energy and time that I did not currently possess to try and untangle this massive ball of a mess. What I had tried to “clear up” just ended up making things worse. Ugh!
Cravings! - Ephesians 4:29
Cravings can be unbearable. I remember being pregnant and craving steak. It was completely overwhelming and I wanted it for every meal. Okay, I know that is strange, but I was probably lacking some vitamin. There have been other seasons when I crave sugar. Now, I can see most of you smiling! I have found many of my cravings difficult to manage
I Lied - James 5:16
I had lied. Plain and simple. Not sure why I chose to say what I did, but the truth was - I had not been honest. This wasn’t something I usually did, so it had quite the shock value to my heart. It wasn’t like there was even any good reason to say what I had said about “the towel”. It just spilled out of my mouth, like maple syrup falling over pancakes - fast and easy. Honestly, I was shocked at myself. Why? How come? I didn’t think I needed to impress her. She looked at me with a simple knowing look. You know the kind. It’s how your mom looked at you when you took the cookie out of the cookie jar and then said you didn’t. She said nothing
Eight Words That Can Change EVERYTHING - Luke 23:46
Standing in the middle of the Red Light District in Nagpur, India, I was the obvious visitor. My blonde hair stood out against the bright colors and dark haired residents. The ladies were gathering for some teaching in the center. One stepped to the front and started praying in a language I did not know. Somehow though, it didn’t matter because my heart simply joined in. Prayer and worship intertwined in a symphonic dance that carried me away. I could not understand the words, but my heart knew the rhythm and the one to whom we were with. There was one phrase though that grabbed my undivided attention.
Death in the Greenhouse - John 12:24
My view from "The Chair" this morning - John 12:24. From my fleshly view, death seems so final. It seems like the end, but maybe I’ve been wrong. Here is what I am discovering, it is most likely just the beginning! One of my words for 2018 was “Death”. Yes, you read that right, “Death”. I was NOT happy with that word and honestly we had a BIG wrestling match over it.
Cure for Anxiety
My view from “The Chair” this morning - Psalm 63:6. I don’t know if menopause is synonamous with anxiety for any of you, but it has been for me. I have lots of younger friends that struggle with anxiety, but this season of my life has brought this new friend. Yes, you heard me right, I called “Anxiety” my “Friend”. Yep, I awake pretty much at least once a night, if not more and just lie there often gripped by anxiety.